I have spent the last decade feeling like I am always trying to find my way. Not quite knowing, feeling far from the shore and not at all homeward bound. I thought I'd never reach that place, not that I was sure where I was going, somewhere that had become a distant memory - I was a warbling mess of hope.

If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know I often write about my dark, painful experiences and how I moved through them, or didn't in some cases, what I hadn't realised, until now of course, is that the struggle, the trying and striving wasn't what I thought it was.

Yes indeed it was messy, boy was it messy!

It was painful, hurtful and hard to swallow. It made me scream and shout and ask why, there was a lot of woe is me and why me etc. etc. understand I am in no way mocking this process I went through - it has my upmost respect. Without it. Without hitting the floor on numerous occasions. I most certainly would not be here now. That I know for sure. Although I was numb at times, I completely felt it all too.  

While all these years I thought I was lost,

empty with no direction.

I was travelling on a journey - just one I hadn't knowingly signed up to!

You don't always need to know where you are going. You don't need to know what tomorrow brings. You only need that one foot in front of the other. More tears less tears. Screams to become soft whispers. For that empty space in your chest to begin beating again.  

When you make a commitment to that, then you are not trying or striving you are merely -


Which is ultimately a very magical thing.