WHEN YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK

I’ve just been flicking through ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brene Brown.

I felt stuck and had just reached out to my coach to help me through a ‘feels real’ but my ‘ego’s leading’ challenge I’m having where I ‘can’t start’ writing a blog (or anything to be honest) - like how did that ever happen?

But, before my coach could get back to me I picked up the book and starting scanning for places I’d made notes in the margin, for inspiration and to get what I call my ‘Brene Browns on’. and I landed here. on page 65.

“The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there. Every time someone holds back on a new idea, fails to give their manager much needed feedback, and is afraid to speak up in front of a client you can be sure shame played a part. That deep fear we all have of being wrong, of being belittled and of feeling less than, is what stops us taking the very risks required to move forward.”

And then I remembered what I had written in my journal this morning, and things kind of made sense.

“I just have to keep convincing myself I can do this. For me.

This is my dream. My desire. My mission. My gifts to give. And my ‘empire’ to build (more harmonious community than empire, but, you know what I mean).

To be someone that writes , for people to read, listen to and gain much benefit from. How amazing is that?

All these years I’ve hidden for so many reasons. Told to be quiet. I can’t do that. Or scared of the bullies. Musn’t stand out too much.

I don’t fit in.

Thing is, I don’t have to do that anymore because I hang out with all the people who don’t fit in and we have each other. Which is pretty awesome.

It’s like a new kind of Glee club. but no slushies.”

There are three things that come to mind when I put these words together.

One. (past).

I cant see things , even though I feel them deeply. I push them to one side without ever understanding them, Which means I can’t grow.

Two. (messy middle).

I know I hold myself back to protect myself from what has gone before. But that is not my truth. I have also stood up and spoken out many times. Although I have felt uncomfortable, and not welcome on many occasions, in these situations, I still did it and can again.

Three. (present).

I may feel alone. but there are many of us. Together we are the difference, because we see the world from a different perspective. I understand pain, frustration, hardship and loneliness from a deep place. And I have learnt so much of value to hide away.

When I hold myself back I sit in shame of what ‘might be’ based on my past painful experiences, but if I sit with my vulnerable self, for just one moment, I am reminded of how far showing up and owning all of myself has allowed me to come. I’ve grown so much and yes I’m sure there is more holding back to come, there’s always the next comfort zone line to cross, that is something to look forward to.

But for now, I’m thinking it’s time to hold myself up.


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