When the moment arrives, when you receive that call, when they are not there anymore. How are you supposed to behave? I was stood swaying, wondering as this query entered my mind, pondering - what to do next?

My Father died last Thursday.

It was a weird feeling, one I hadn't expected. We hadn't spoken since November, when I text him Happy Birthday and surprisingly he responded and asked how I was. We never speak. I had put that to rest not long ago.

I guess what we hadn't envisaged was what was left behind. What messages the will had for us. It was painful for all the wrong reasons and left me feeling outside once more.

I had nothing to do.


I had responded in the only way I could

when my sister shared the news about the will.

With kindness of course, What else is there?


And I told her whatever I can do, allow me that, to support you.

Unlike most who have the responsibility of putting their Father to rest I was sat here twiddling my thumbs, angrily.

I had nothing to do.

Completely unsure at that moment whether it was ok or not to be here, in suspension, not knowing quite yet what my role if any was going to be.

And even this morning as I played investigator on some family details that had been lost, busying myself with that task and feeling useful, clever - After lunch I asked myself "Is it ok to sit and watch crappy films again?" "I don't know." I responded. "I've never been here before."

What is ok and what is not?

Is there a right way and a wrong way on how to behave?

I guess so far the best thing I have done is listen to my body, my heart and let it guide me.

For whatever the situation, in grief, the only advice I can give is breathe, take your time and listen to what your body needs - be quiet. do nothing.

How you behave is right for you. And that is all you need right now.

Love Sam x



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